So we're starting to get suicidal, we're just at the point I want you.

It turns out that humans really aren't too hard to kill!

If you're in denial, you have more of a problem than you realize.

Thanksgiving is great, but all the turkeys are wearing black armbands!

You guys can do with it whatever you want. It's both safe and legal.

Microsoft makes operating systems, Macintosh is a religion, and UNIX is a cult!

Polite people don't divide by zero.

They're the slut morphemes. They don't care; they'll go with anything.

I need a sack and a package. Make sure it's a big package. And make sure it's hard when you look at it.

Aarrgg, it's the flux!. . .I don't know why I said that like a pirate just then. I'm free associating. I need to stop.

And now for a reading from that most valuable of all news sources, the Onion. (reads headline title:) 'God Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder'.

God is everywhere, but sometimes you don't feel God's presence very much. Like in a bar.

I think Attorney General Ashcroft would be a lot nicer if he just smoked some marijuana.

And tomorrow I'll be giving all my students gonorrhea.

I'd be a good alcoholic.

Whats with these kids these days? Instead of spending millions of dollars on education for them, we should just build a shed for all these tools.

Now pretend that I'm a really pointy metal probe...

I need some little 'batons' of cotton that you cram in your ear.

Now recite the alphabet musically, as if it were a love poem!

I'm all about stealing. You should steal people's ideas, then just change them a little, otherwise it's plagiarism. But stealing...that's the way to go.

Hey baby, I got some cool lenses here. Would you like to look at the tiny animals on your teeth?

Most of you have had human sex before...

If someone blew up the lecture hall, you could use this technique to figure out which pile of ashes with glasses on top was me and which pile of ashes with glasses on top was Walter.

You can only get AIDS from hypodermic needles not from bongin' it up. Well, unless someone is seriously lippin' it up.

Stay tuned for anal rape.

Doing harm is harmful.

I'm simultaneously flummoxed, and, more than a little titillated.

Virginity is in the eye of the beholder.

I know...you're all just dying to say the word 'asshole'!

It was a bad idea. We're sorry we thought of it.

The excrement is about to hit the oscillator.

This amulet is either real gold or metal gold.

You get your vectors mixed up and you introduce a minus sign into everything, blow up the nuclear station down the road, your neutrons become protons, your protons become electrons, everything explodes and the whole world ceases to exist, but you still want partial credit on your test question.

Oh and it felt so good the whole time we were doing it. But now its the morning after...

Do you remember when butt was a bad word? You would go around saying butt, butt, butt, so happy that you lived on the edge.

If you can't restrain yourself, you may get up and shake it.

When you ask a kid and he says he has no friends at school, well, then school is not a good place for him.... Why don't more kids drop out of school? Their friends are there.

You're going to get government funding to have sex with great people! What could be better than that?

Me and the book are pretty tight.

There's nothing wrong with trial and error. Doctors use it every day.

Cattle Ranchers-they've got cows in their yard and romance in their hearts.

I'm undaunted by my incompetency.

Here we see an image of Zeus throwing his thunderbolt. In the next picture, he's doing the same thing, only with less clothes on.

It's like the 'rh' in diarrhea. It means 'to flow'.

...and then these transport proteins go through the opening of the K+ channel... GOD! Everything reminds me about sex!

NO! I don't think we were meant to believe people were jerking off at poetry readings.

The next time someone says 'fuck', give him a hug.

...because linguistic science is bullshit.

At this point in the year I'm about ready to start erasing the board with my tongue.

“I’m simultaneously flummoxed, and, more than a little titillated.”

It is your ethical duty to not be stupid.

I don't know where it came from, but that was definitely a quack.

You think you have free will? No, you're just an ant...or a really fast carrot.

I don't get many opportunities to make sperm so I am gonna make this one worth my while.

After a while, the pure water gets bored and starts playing with itself

Legally, I don't have to wear my glasses to drive. Practically, I should. But it's so much more exciting to try to figure out all the blurry lines and shapes.

Well, gravity still works!

How can we make this problem sexier?

It's like Bill Gates's salary compared to mine. We can assume mine is zero.

Today I wanted to wear my pretty dress and wings to class. Ooh, and I have a tiara.

I would like to close today with a brief prayer. I would like to pray that for each of you... No, I'm just kidding, I don't want to pray. I just love seeing everyone's faces when I say that.

What you need to do is to write a sexy thesis statement.

The first symptom of heart disease is death.

I hope I'm that cool when I'm an 80-year-old woman!

Hey girls show these guys some ovaries!

Too many poop jokes and, well, I just feel so bad for Kenny!

The difference between an A and a B (pause) is that an A is a higher grade.

Aristophanes and the producers blew their wad on the frogs instead of on the robes of the initiates.

So, basically, keep doing this forever. Now, when you're done doing it forever, you'll get this...

Humans are entropy poopers.

You have upsidedown pages in your book! Oh, the whole book is upsidedown.

Contrary to Nancy Reagan and the DARE program, most drugs are a blast.

In the sixties we slept with people to see if we wanted to get to know them better.

There is something important that you all need to know. Apparently Mary made out with a freshman last night.

Don't worry I'm not going to draw a penis

This is a very interesting book. It tells you how to fuck shit up.

In Austria, every child, even retarded children learn to read by the age of seven.

How does one know that tree really means a leafy whatever-whatever?

Which is the party dorm? I'd like to know that myself.

I want to quit my job, put my kids up for adoption, and sit around all day playing GTA3.

Everybody has that list of people they want to molest.

When it comes to the final, I am very mean.

I see at least fifteen faces that I don't ever recall seeing in this class before.

So you're running from a bear and you're thinking, 'I want to have sex with the first thing I see!'

Calling someone a f***ing whore is linguistically redundant, but you don't say that to people with gun racks on their car.

Good thing I'm wearing underwear

Hello, I'm a member of your species. May I germinate on your stigma?

I'm a groupie for Trinitarian Ontology. If The Trinitarian Ontologies ever come to the Aquadome, I'll be in the mosh pit.

Student insurrections will be crushed!

It's when people make their problems my problems that there's a problem

You have to drink in that situation.

Some mornings you wake up and the dog looks wrong.

The last type of committee is called the joint committee. They sit around and smoke marijuana cigarettes.

Grammer is not a democracy.

Damn! Damn that Truman State University for not vacuuming their carpets!

Cops are good liars as to what their intentions are.

I can't remember the details so... I'll make them up.

Imagine that this is fun.

I think it would be a deterrent to having kids if you thought they would get eaten.

Don't you just love ice cream, you know, the way that it makes love to your tongue when you put it in your mouth?